When you’re divorced but don’t want to, probably your most common dream is for your spouse to come home. This is probably what you want more than anything in the world, although sometimes you dare not hope for it, because you are afraid to be disappointed. Your returning spouse is the light at the end of the tunnel for most divorced spouses. Most of us just think that if we can do this, everything will go smoothly. And we expect that when we see the day approaching, we can finally relax.
However, reality is not always like a dream. As the day approaches when your partner comes home, things can be uncomfortable and scary. You may worry that he feels uncomfortable or unenthusiastic. You may be concerned that you two have developed new habits that are incompatible. Or you may worry that the conflict will return.
A woman can say, “My husband and I divorced for about thirteen weeks. It was horrible. I was so lonely, and I was really afraid that we were going to get a divorce. The first three weeks were terrible. We were terrible. . We were all alone. We barely talked. We started talking very sporadically, about a month, then very slowly we started talking regularly. From that moment on, we moved on to regular meetings. It was a slow process, but we feel inspired. My parents are going to have a golden birthday month. I told my husband it would be nice if he moved again by then so we could have a party at our house, and it wouldn’t be. It’s not so obvious that we had any problems. To say that we’re both somewhat concerned about the transition, I’m afraid it won’t go well, and this time we’ll go to the divorce judge and you’ll finish. Have we been successful since the divorce? “
I was worried about it during the divorce. In fact, I was so worried that something would go wrong that waited much longer than probably many people before going to deal with this problem. I thought that since I noticed an improvement after not seeing anything for a long time that would give me hope, I would sit on this improvement for a while to make sure it was real and correct.
In the end, we made a good transition. And I think a few things helped. First, we have not made drastic changes. You can imagine how inconvenient it would be if you didn’t spend nights, weekends or long breaks with your husband, but just let him leave full time.
People acquire new habits and enter new comfort zones. That’s why it’s a good idea to have him stay several times on weekends and for longer periods before “moving” again. Because by then he should already feel comfortable.
This is important because you can both be sure you are making the right decision. If you are in a hurry, you can not only be sure that you will face this difficult transition, but you can also deal with two people who seriously doubt whether this reconciliation will work or not. And that’s not the way to start.
Another thing to consider is whether you will solve any unresolved problems. Often it’s the elephant in the room. Everyone knows that improvements in relationships are fragile. And that’s why no one wants to raise the nastiness. But if any of your problems don’t go away, it will come back in a nasty way. Especially when divorce was needed primarily because of problems. And this grinding has a way of making everyone think, “Here we are again,” so you can return to thin ice relatively quickly.
It’s time to address these issues. The optimal time is before you re-complicate the relationship by returning to them. And yes, retirement can only cause stress because everyone knows there’s a lot at stake.
I’m not an expert, but my best advice is to do it gradually. Let your husband spend the weekend at home. Let it last a little longer each time it is left. Pay attention to everything that appears at this time, and immediately cope with it. This way, you’ll be aware of any potential problems before he leaves again. The idea is that by then you’re used to spending a lot of time under one roof, and you’ve already been through troubles that might confuse you.